“We are our own worst critics.” Do you agree?

I vividly remember the time my school organized a guest lecture to boost our confidence for the exam season. Around 400 kids of my age had gathered. After a day of activities, the lecturer asked us a question,”100 million brothers and sisters sacrifice themselves for you to achieve something in life. Do you know who they are?”. We all knew who they are, but no one dared to answer. Being an overachieving kid back then, everyone had high expectations of me. I could feel my principal’s eyes piercing into me to stand up and answer. But I couldn’t, why? Because of the shame and fear of facing 400 people. By the time I gathered courage, the lecturer answered it himself. And once again, I was left with the shame of not speaking up.

So yeah, I am my worst critic.

What Exactly Is Shame?

Shame is the negative emotion that arises from associating our worth to society’s approval. It makes us hesitate to take a new paths and forces us to act in a socially acceptable way. It’s the internal voice that makes us feel flawed and ultimately damages our self-esteem.

We feel convinced that everyone is judging our every step, when in reality, no one is free enough to judge us as they’re busy judging themselves.

It’s the fear of humiliation that fuels our shame.

Difference Between People With And Without Shame

Ever noticed, there’s this one person we know who isn’t afraid to speak up their mind. How do they do it? It’s because they don’t fear judgement or rely on external validation. They are ready to take risks, try new things, which ultimately helps them grow.

Often, they’re the ones to get the appraisals and bonuses or land the best college projects. They go on to become respected leaders, admired by all.

Meanwhile, people who have issues of shame, are often left unnoticed and their voices unheard. Because, if we don’t believe in ourselves, how can we convince others to believe us. How can we show our potential while affirming “I’m not worthy enough”.

This hinders our growth, emotionally and practically. Without experiences, we can’t Grow.

So, How Exactly Does Growth Without Shame Really Look Like?

It doesn't mean you’re perfect and have no flaws. It means you have stopped letting shame control your life and had made peace with it.

You no longer hesitate to demand your worth or communicate your needs. You set up positive boundaries around you and does not let anyone walk all over you.

And even if you do mess up, you accept it and don’t let it crumble you.

So, How Can We Overcome It?

It is possible to overcome shame with a few changes in our mindset. Here are few qualities that have helped me to evolve and leave my shame behind.

Self-Awareness

Being aware of our shame is the first step to overcoming it. Every time you feel it, make a conscious decision to move ahead.

Kindness And Compassion

Stop kicking yourself for every small misstep. It’s okay to have setbacks but not okay to lose our self-esteem. Speak to yourself with compassion and notice how it positively impacts you.

Understand The Root Cause

Every problem can be solved, if you can identify its root cause. If your shame stems from home, start making a change there. Do something for yourself without needing your family’s validation.

Stop Overthinking

Overthinking serves no good. Before facing the real situation, you would have suffered through hundred imaginary ones.

So next time, stop, take a deep breath and regulate your thoughts.

Explore New Things

Experience is the best teacher. Be open to making mistakes. Don’t forget, no one notices your mistakes. Even if they do, they’ll forget it soon as they have their own lives to occupy themselves with.

How It Feels After Moving Past It?

Fortunately, I learned this lesson early, and ever since, I’ve started making conscious effort to not let my shame define me. The growth and freedom I felt after moving past my shame were liberating.

The result? people began to look up to me. My friends say that I’m the brave one of the group. But most importantly, I grew up and stopped seeking others approval.

From a shy, timid girl, I’ve grown into a strong person who people think twice before overlooking.

To grow and overcome shame, the only thing stopping you is yourself.

But Where Did It Begin?

It starts in childhood and worsens in our teenage years. Have you noticed how little kids are carefree. They do whatever they want and say whatever they feel like. Guess why? Because they aren’t familiar with the concept of shame.

But as they grow, one day, someone, maybe a parent, teacher or friend, would have said something hurtful to them and there it creeps in.

Eventually they start shaping themselves to win elders approval.

When teenage begins, this burden intensifies. We have the society judging us which makes us to be much critical on ourselves. It gets overwhelmingly worse with all the physiological and psychological changes of that time.

Women and Shame : How It’s Wired Into Our Brains

As girls, we are taught from our early age to be shy, to not speak up and how it’s considered disrespectful. Girls are often burdened with the weight of their family’s honor on their shoulders. Some have it worse than others.

Much of a woman’s existence is considered a Hush-Hush.

Periods? Oh No, you’re not supposed to say that aloud.

Need to get a pad? Don’t forget to wrap it in a black cover.

Talking back? Oh My God! You’ve brought shame to the family.

The result? Girls refrain from expressing their needs. Girls with supportive families, might encounter it through peers and society.

Impact On Adult Life

We can’t always be in the safety our homes. As we grow up, we must mingle with the society. Even today, many students hesitate to even go and talk the opposite gender.

But at some point, we must grow out of it.

Be it in colleges or offices, if you’re ashamed to express yourself, how will you get that project or climb the career ladder and achieve your dreams?

If you let shame stop you, how will you grow?

Conclusion

Can we completely overcome shame?

The answer is NO; you can never fully eliminate it.

It will exist as bits and pieces in the little corners of our mind.

And that’s OKAY.

The ultimate goal is to stop letting our shame define us. It can coexist with us. Who knows, maybe it can even work out in our favour. It’s perfectly alright to feel shameful at times because life is an ongoing process. We don’t have to finish it like chapters in a book.

Growth is a long but not linear process. You can achieve growth when you stay balanced. Every day is a new day, and every day offers us a new experience to grow.

Shame can sit beside us, as long as we have the steering wheel.