Everyone loves to preach about body shaming, and how morally wrong it is to comment on someone’s body. Well, that is until they forget that “skinny shaming” is also a part of body shaming. I’ve been on the receiving end of such out-of-the-line comments one too many times. Truth be said, at this point I am not even sure if it’s my body weight that is a problem for them or their basic approach of mannerism is a problem for me. Now I wouldn’t mind someone’s concern like, “Hey, are you okay? You don’t look so well to me today.” But what astonishes and infuriates me the most is when someone throws a shade like, “Oh, no, you’re so thin. Your parents don’t feed you? Gain more weight, and you’ll look prettier.”
I cannot tell how many times I’ve sighed after hearing such derogatory comments about my body. I cannot recall how many times I’ve stormed out of a room which talks about my body like it’s their own.
The jokes weren't funny!
Those comments never got better with time. Days passed and my insecurities piled up like rocks to become a mountain, meanwhile I struggled to gain weight. It was like a test, because whenever I tried lifting my spirits high, there would be another person saying, “Boys don’t like thin girls.” (And, yes, that’s an actual comment.) After years of enduring such harshness, I still haven’t accustomed to the idea of turning a blind eye or a deaf ear to such arrogance. I still feel embarrassed to be blown away by such words.
People have normalized skinny shaming so much so that once an almost-40-year-old former male colleague of mine laughed and said, “She hardly even takes up any space, and one cannot even tell that she’s sitting right next to you.” Someone else joined in on his laughter, and I had to blink back my tears, and mumble, “It is not funny.” And then they decided to stop. Living in the generation where we have learned to understand people’s perspective, and empathize with them, I still had to remind two grown-ups to not bully me?
Turn the pain into power
A few years ago, my coping mechanism to get over my dilemma was to cry it out till my tear dam ran out of water. Or to channel most of my energy into anger. There were moments when I tried pouring out my feelings into poetry writing, or just downright dissing them in my stories as the worst negative character.
Everyone is so quick on their feet to believe that every thin person is the way he/she is, to model her way out of every situation. How very wrong! Maybe, just maybe, some people are trying to hold it all together ‘til someone comes and blows away their shield of balloon?
But there always lies the beauty in the darkness of the night, right? We all take the brunt of those bullets – without a bulletproof jacket – and still make it out alive. I’m still at the stage in my life where I cannot easily say that I’ve figured out the way to block the haters or “casual bullying” camouflaged as a light joking. However, I have learned one thing, and that is to not hinder myself or my life goals because of some mere words that hold no meaning to me.
I’ve come to the realization that nobody holds me accountable for having the body type that I do, and it is them who should be working on their approach.
My journey throughout this ongoing phase has never been pretty. Every time I have took in their words, deep down I knew that no one can empathize with me. Understand me, yes, maybe. But that’s only because I wear my emotions on my sleeves. When it came to really knowing my pain, though, no one has stood by me, except for my family. So, the best part of being me is that the world might take a step back, but I won’t. Years and years of penning these feelings down in a poetry format has healed me, and maybe in a way made myself feel more understood.
Am I truly enough?
My writing became my abstract mirror. It began to heal me, and I had no inkling of it until I realized that I am not the problem, they are. It made me understand the real meaning of humility. Sometimes one doesn’t need spoken words to feel understood, they just need to feel heard, to be able to let someone in in their shoes of hardships.
I thought the only way I could escape this dilemma was to eat more and healthy, go to gym, consume protein shakes, etc. But the real reason lies in feeling comfortable in your own skin and change when you feel like you are ready for a change. Change when you’re at peace with yourself, and not when you’re desperate to find something that you’re unaware of.
The biggest lesson I must have learned through this toughest war of self-acceptance would be that I have to be my own defender, my own motivator, my own cheerleader, no matter what.
It was never easy, but then again it wasn’t meant to be. It took me endless sessions of tear-wasting moments, creating fake scenarios wherein they’re all villains, turning pain into unwanted anger, suppressed emotions of not feeling understood, meaningless nightmares, hiding in family functions, and so much more to actually understand that I would never feel beautiful enough unless I loved myself.
We are all waging wars in our minds, and the constant one is “Am I enough?” And the answer I’ve come to tell myself is that, no, I am not enough. Not enough for this world. But I definitely am more than enough for myself. Because I showed up when no one else did. And I will forever keep on showing up for myself. Not because it is my duty, but because I believe in the gentleness of those kind words and gestures. And the best place to find love? Well, no better place than within yourself.
