Introduction
On the surface level, Instagrammable modern couples display that both men and women have an equal footing to stand on. But the reality, as usual, is that modern relationships are now stationed on hallowed grounds. Yes, most women are no longer emotionally and financially reliant on men, but that doesn’t mean they don’t carry all the emotional labor in a relationship. Not to quote Barbie here, but an ‘understanding woman’ is a groomed woman who tolerates disrespect to avoid conflict.
The Many Faces She's Expected to Wear
The Cool Girl Best Friend
As the girl, you're expected to be interested in his favorite sports but also be ‘adorably confused’ enough to allow space for mansplaining. The Cool girl bestie has to always be there, never need anything back, be emotionally available but also casually aloof. A perfect description of this iteration of the understanding woman was given by Gillian Flynn in her subversive novel, Gone Girl:
“Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and **** sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary ********* while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding.”
The Emotional Babysitter
Ever wonder why so many single women talk about feeling lighter and freer after coming out of a long-term relationship? For most people, women have to be ‘selflessly nurturing’ or they're not the type of girl you bring home. They have to help him manage his emotions (because society never thought men could be emotionally unregulated), walk on eggshells when he’s feeling down, and basically be his unpaid therapist.
More often than not, babysitting goes beyond emotional acts. Lately, a social media movement has started calling out men for ‘weaponized incompetence’ to shirk chores and responsibilities.
The Madonna/***** Complex: Nun vs. Nymph
Fortunately, the awareness regarding this phenomenon has started prevailing to such an extent that most men hesitate to be blatantly outspoken about it. However, that doesn't mean it still doesn't color their opinions and conversations in locker rooms. They expect girls to be ******** curious and adventurous but not "too experienced" (Read Emphasis On: only when these ‘adventures’ satiate their fantasies). But remember, girls also have to be the perfect and docile girl next door that their mother can approve of. These archetypes are often portrayed in popular culture and literary spaces. From Freud calling it psychic impotence, to the duality between Sakura (innocent yearning) and Karin (openly sexual desire) in Naruto.
On the flip side, women have to constantly oscillate between being the Madonna and the nun. The result is that women never have time to be whole.
The Tradwife Paradox
This phenomenon or archetype is becoming increasingly volatile on TikTok and Instagram, which mainly caters to misogynists. The Cambridge Dictionary defines a tradwife, short for traditional wife, as “a married woman, especially one who posts on social media, who stays at home doing cooking, cleaning, etc. and has children that she takes care of.” This content often passes moral judgment on independent and ambitious women who supposedly don’t know how to cook, raise children, and run a household.
Moreover, this fantasy of having a ‘tradwife’ escapes the grounded necessity of having a dual-income household. Even a modern traditional wife is notoriously a superwoman baddie who does all the chores while also earning. The white picket fence is just not realistic anymore; the sooner men understand that, the better modern relationships will be… for all parties involved.
The Emotional Labor Ledger
In modern relationships, being an “understanding woman” usually means being empathetic, supportive, and flexible. It is someone who listens, communicates calmly, and tries to see their partner’s perspective. Any successful modern relationship should have its fair share of emotion work. Healthy emotion work means a combination of commitment, satisfaction, closeness, love, as well as ambivalence and conflict.
The problem is that the ‘understanding woman trope' often gets used to pressure women into accepting bad behavior, staying quiet, or prioritizing their partner’s needs over their own. Women tend to develop patterns of “keeping the peace”. This includes learning how to read the room, expecting minimal effort and disappointment, and growing smaller in emotional capacity the longer the relationship goes on. According to a study, men reported experiencing greater feelings of love on days when their female partner reported higher emotion work than their average level.
Boundaries as Radical Self-Reclamation
Setting boundaries can be extremely hard, and sometimes women backslide towards their toxic relationships because it offers the hollow comfort they’ve gotten used to. Begin by reminding yourself that you're loved and don't need to earn love. Love should come with soft negotiations, not a lopsided seesaw that chips away at your identity bit by bit. For starters, you can begin with the following boundaries:
Focus on the action, not the person, during a disagreement.
Respect "Me-Time" and have time for yourself.
Don't dig up the past, don't bring up old mistakes.
Speak your needs.
Pro-tip: You have to train yourself to block out internalized guilt and external pushback that occur when you start voicing your needs. Keep your favorite ice cream carton ready and cue up chick flicks like Bridesmaids!
Conclusion
Having to be the cool best friend, the babysitter, the Madonna, the nymph, and the tradwife all at once, no wonder single women have longer lifespans. Managing everything and not getting emotional or physical gratification, women accumulate resentment, and the relationship worsens even further. True companionship begins on the same step of the staircase; you both rise together or not at all.
