Introduction
Many times, it is easy to console a person who loses a relative or loved one. We can console them physically, emotionally and even financially. However, there is little or no consideration for people who carry internal and invisible grief. The grief that can be seen, the grief that overwhelms and depresses a person. Women often carry invisible grief that is difficult to express because society rarely acknowledges these emotional losses.
For example, career failure , emotional heartbreak, emotional and verbal abuse, fertility issues etc. Many times, society fails to recognise these experiences as invisible grief in women, even though they leave lasting emotional scars. When women explain their pain and anger regarding these situations, society expects them to move on as it is not seen as worthy of attention. Their pain is minimised and their struggles are downplayed. In fact, some losses do not get to be openly grieved because they are not the society standard to be grief worthy.
Image Credit: Magnific
Alt : indoor shot of a bothered intense unhappy African woman.
The Internal Grief No One Talks About
Much of the invisible grief in women is described as disenfranchised grief which talks about loss that is not openly acknowledged or recognised. It happens when society doesn’t recognise the loss a person is experiencing.
Basically, it involves grieving without any form of support. For example, when a heartbreak occurs, women are told to just move on, there’d be another person in future. Nobody thinks about how much pain, anger and grief is experienced in the course of this heartbreak. Also, we can say the same for job promotions. The position you were scheduled to be promoted to didn’t fall through, you are told to move on. Humans are so quick to say move on without acknowledging the pain and hurt women bear.
Mourning What Could Have Been: Career, Fertility and Relationships
As a woman, when you remember the extra hours you worked, the multiple certification exams you took and the burnouts without rest. You feel so hurt and disappointed that the promotion you were working hard for, was given to someone else. Also, you got fired. You are now told to move on, you’ll find better. The shame that comes with job loss is not recognised.
Many times, people forget that some people's jobs are more or less their identity. Any setback can lead to intense grief, pain and sadness. But the saddest part is, you are told to move on. Better will come.
Also, a woman can be battling with fertility issues and she would be told to stay strong, it is just one of those things. Nobody ever understands the internal pain, struggle and stress that comes with fertility issues. Especially when the person genuinely wants to have children. Infertility grief can cause financial distress, relationship strain and loss of identity. Now, because most people link grief to just death, infertility grief is overlooked which makes the feeling more intense. The repeating cycle of trying again, the high expectations only to get disappointed. All these are disenfranchised grief.
Image Credit: Magnific
Alt: expressive lady posing
Now, we talk about the grief of a failed relationship. The emotional pain that comes from what could have been. When a relationship ends, a lot of people are quick to tell the grieving partner to move on. They try to comfort them in a myopic way and expect them to get over the situation quickly. Long term relationships become woven into identity, so are the friendships and routines that come with it. The sadness of becoming “I” instead of “We” can be very depressing.
Furthermore, career, fertility and relationships are cases in which women mourn a future they have envisioned. The benefits that would have come with that job, the child who was to come on time, the forever that was imagined with that partner. The life that was already imagined. When the imagined timeline is disrupted, a sense of loss settles in.
Processing Grief When You Are Expected to Move on.
The following are the ways grief can be processed for any woman/person who has been dealing with an unbearable loss.
Acknowledge The Loss
Identifying the root cause of the grief. Own it, admit you are grieving a loss of something. Also, let yourself grieve it, give yourself enough time to. Don’t rush it; allow yourself to feel the pain so it won’t lead to trauma. Bask in the grief so you can understand the cause of your pain. Naming the situation is the first step to processing any form of disenfranchised loss.
Grieve Without Comparison
The intensity of pain shouldn’t be compared. Do not tell yourself you are not allowed to grieve a heartbreak more than a pregnancy miscarriage. Or you are not allowed to mourn the loss of a job more than the loss of a relationship. Embracing the weight of each loss is the only way to eventually move on. Comparing what you should feel and what you shouldn’t will only delay the process.
Seek Support and Change The Narrative
Lastly, speak with people, see a therapist, talk to a close friend or with a group of people who have suffered the same thing. Self-acknowledgement is the first step to healing from the grief the world doesn’t see. From there, it's no longer about the loss but about what is going to happen next. It's not about clearing up the loss, but creating a new story that embraces the loss and finally moving on.
Conclusion
Finally, I believe not every form of grief is caused by the loss of a person. Career failures, infertility issues and relationship endings can affect a life just as profoundly. Even without a funeral or a sign of obvious loss, they reset how a woman sees her life and the future she envisioned for herself.
Acknowledging these experiences as a legitimate cause of grief is not a sign of weakness. It’s a form of healing because you cannot process what you cannot identify.
