Forgiveness is a virtue—till it comes to our own selves. Often, the people who are kindest to others, who give their friends a million chances and seem to possess the biggest hearts close the doors to that same heart when it comes to themselves. 

Growing up in a competitive world, we are taught the analogy of the ‘rat race’ young. We internalize the idea that success and happiness come from constant wins, perfect actions, and being correct all the time. This seems to be true for professional success, personal ambitions, relationships, and everything in between. We find it hard to slow down, let ourselves experience life, take rest, or make any mistakes. 

Learning to Forgive Yourself

Not being able to look beyond our shortcomings can affect our emotional well-being and self-esteem to a large extent. It can lead to higher levels of stress and anxiety, reduced self-efficacy, and result in counterproductive coping mechanisms such as avoidance and procrastination. Blaming yourself and holding yourself guilty for everything small and big can result in a mental spiral that can be hard to pull out of. Sound familiar? This article delves into how to reshape your perspective and learn to forgive yourself. 

Feel your emotions

The first step to understanding and processing any feeling is to actually feel it. Without trying to rationalize your emotions, take a moment to acknowledge them. Understand what you are feeling when a mistake is made—angry, disappointed, helpless, or anything else. At this point, we often start trying to find someone to blame. Rather than pointing the gun at someone else or yourself, frame the mistake not as an action but as an event. Yes, something bad happened but you don’t need to throw the entire burden of blame on anyone or yourself.

Accept the guilt and the mistake

Accepting the guilt and taking responsibility is an important part of processing and being able to move on from the mistake. Give voice to your inner critic, write down, or speak your mistakes and faults out loud. Often, doing so helps you achieve catharsis while also making it easier to see the situation rationally. Trapped in your brain, the voices seem to be louder; out loud, you can listen to them, reply, and realize if the criticisms even make sense.

Step out of the situation

This can be helpful to do both physically and, especially, emotionally. When you start going down the lane of blaming yourself and spiraling into guilt, step out of your brain and take an aerial view. What if the person who made the mistake wasn’t you? What if it was a friend or even a stranger? Would your reaction be the same? Maybe someone you know has made a similar mistake in the past. Think back to the advice you gave them or would give them, along with the kindness in your behavior. Try to enact that kindness towards yourself. While this may take some effort, deliberately practice it until it becomes an ingrained behavior.

Look for ways to improve

To quote a cliche, see mistakes as opportunities. Yes, a mistake was made and probably caused a huge mess up. But rather than losing hope, see what can be salvaged, and if not, understand how you got to this position and what you can do next time to safeguard yourself in a similar situation. Analyze your decisions to see why you thought they were right at the time, what influenced you, and whether it could have been done differently. Failing at something can be a great reality check to challenge your understanding of norms and assumptions.

Surround yourself with people who care

Having a support system is essential to being able to gain perspective and talk about your problems, failures, and wins. Good friends will remind you to take a breath as you spiral. They will gently and firmly stop your assumptions and help you see through the panic of failing. 

A support system can also help you pull back after a downfall through resources, knowledge, and support. Being able to share your experiences while also hearing the stories of others who may have gone through similar situations can be immensely helpful. Knowing you are not alone can calm you down and help you gain a clearer perspective on the situation.

Understand that one event does not define your worth

Perhaps the most essential part of processing a mistake, learning from it, yet not letting it hold you back, is understanding that we are complex beings formed through a multitude of experiences. While accepting what you did wrong is important, you need to believe that a single decision or mistake does not define who you are or what your values are.  The only thing that defines who you are is you and the choices you make intentionally and persistently. Recognizing your mistake and following it up with corrective behavior makes you a better person already. You are allowed to fail, make wrong decisions, learn from them, and continue on the path to being the person you want.

For some situations, you can also put the process on hold for a while and choose to deal with the problems at hand before feeling your emotions. However, just be sure to take that time and get in touch with yourself to be able to learn from the mistake, move on, and come out as a better person. 

Forgiving is an act of strength and so is accepting your faults and trying to reform them. No one is perfect, and holding yourself to the standard of always being right or successful can only lead to adverse consequences. Allow yourself to take breaks. Understand that a wrong decision or wrong action does not make you a bad person. Move on with the lessons from past failures. After all, the art of forgiving yourself is nothing more than allowing yourself the same space you hold for others.